Did I Just Eat a Whole Bag of Twizzlers?

 In case you were wondering, a twizzler rope has 110 calories in it.

     Letting go of something is not easy. I think the first step in letting some thing go is to make a decision to let it go. It's difficult. Each day you have to change habits, redirect your thoughts, and reassess your goals. Albert Einstein said once that insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, but expecting different results. Yes, I paraphrased, but I think there are area's in my life that could qualify under that category. I can not eat an entire bag of twizzlers and then expect to lose weight at the scales. And no, I do not do that every week, but I do habitually make poor food choices. I don't think anyone makes perfect choices every single day. I think it's about finding a balance. Working towards a goal and finding a balance to be successful.

Acceptance Doesn't Equal Defeat

     My entire life I have struggled with poor body image. Or at least the world has told me that I should be struggling. I fully understand the importance of being at a healthy body weight. I have gone to more than a few doctors appointments where I have had those exact aspects explained to me numerous times. Sometimes I left crying, sometimes I left feeling empowered to change. But what was it that I needed to change? My eating habits are not perfect. I don't know any ones that are. My exercise routines are less than faithful. I have a few friends with healthy BMI's that have had the same pair of tennis shoes since middle school. (And not for sentimental value. But because they simply aren't worn out.) There has to be something more to managing a healthy life style. I have searched for years for a secret recipe of these that would ultimately achieve a goal that the world constantly shoves down everyone's throat.

goal

  [gohl]  Show IPA

noun

1.

the result or achievement toward which effort is directed; aim; end.

2.

the terminal point in a race.

3.

a pole, line, or other marker by which such a point is indicated.

4.

an area, basket, cage, or other object or structure toward or into which players of various games attempt to throw, carry, kick, hit, or drive a ball, puck, etc., to score a point or points.

5.

the act of throwing, carrying, kicking, driving, etc., a ball or puck into such an area or object.

     A few years ago the solution to my problem hit me like a gallon of cookie n cream in the middle of a weight watchers meeting. I was searching for a goal, an ultimate answer, one solution. The truth of the matter is it's not about hitting a goal. In fact, it's not a goal at all. Goals in my vocabulary are attainable, one time achievements. Graduation with my master's was a goal. Learning how to juggle. Getting a promotion at work. These are all goals that are much like levels on a video game. I needed a thesaurus.

Synonyms 
1. target; purpose, object, objective, intent, intention. 2. finish.

     Maybe I didn't need a goal. Maybe I needed a purpose. 

     I have students who every year freak out about tests. They are wonderful students who for some reason, have a little test anxiety. I know a lot of people who can related to that feeling. They know the material astonishingly well when I call on them in class or help with assignments. When it is test time, and the stress is on, they forget everything they have practiced. They will have almost a perfect score on each daily assignment and pop quiz, but they will make almost a failing grade on the test. 

     I think I am like that in a variety of areas in my life. I feel like I know how to do the "right thing" and the "right way" to live just like my students know how to work out their math problems. But sometimes when the stress hits, I go into survival mode. And that's what trips me up. So how an I better manage this wonderful characteristic about myself? The first thing I need to do is to recognize the behaviors and accept that it's part of my personality and who I am to react initially in that way. Then I need to take a deep breath and examine what I do know. I need to have confidence in myself that I can handle situations as they are given to me. I need to have healthy daily habits set up that I can rely on. Just like students who are working a math problem. I need to approach life with a more logical approach and less emotional approach. 

     So what does that have to do with my healthy life style? I listened to a newscaster report a story on how getting at least 7-8 hours of sleep every night is as important to being healthy as smoking/drinking, poor eating habits, or not getting enough exercise. It's about viewing a life as a balance. Everything in moderation. A personality quirk about me is that when I love something, I go after it. It's pass or fail. Acceptable or rejected. Black or white. And if experience has taught me anything, it's that life isn't about opposites. It's about the journey. Experiences you have. People you meet. Choices you make. I need to accept that life is going to come at me. But it's only going to come at me one day at a time. I don't have to be perfect. But I do need to keep trying. 

     I have some weight loss goals. Numbers that when I hit on the scale I have set up as personal motivators. Last week I hit a big success number. You see on the scale _ _ 9. Such an amazing feeling. I have put a lot of emphasis on these values. I have done silly things like write the pounds on a piece of paper and shred them as I lose the weight. (It feels great to rip the paper by the way.) But I think a weight is just a by product. If I try to do my best to get enough sleep, to make healthy food choices, to drink plenty of water, to get my hour of exercise in each day, I will see my body being healthier. I get too caught up in numbers. 

     Accepting "flaws" of your personality is very difficult. Especially the ones that you try very hard to keep to yourself. I have it in my mind that by accepting things about yourself means that you give up trying to "fix" them or to say it more politically correct "grow as a person." I think I had a very mixed up mind set. I think those quirks are what makes life interesting. They are what makes me passionate about life. I don't want to "fix" away my personality. However, I do want to polish those a little. ;)