Did I Just Eat a Whole Bag of Twizzlers?

 In case you were wondering, a twizzler rope has 110 calories in it.

     Letting go of something is not easy. I think the first step in letting some thing go is to make a decision to let it go. It's difficult. Each day you have to change habits, redirect your thoughts, and reassess your goals. Albert Einstein said once that insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, but expecting different results. Yes, I paraphrased, but I think there are area's in my life that could qualify under that category. I can not eat an entire bag of twizzlers and then expect to lose weight at the scales. And no, I do not do that every week, but I do habitually make poor food choices. I don't think anyone makes perfect choices every single day. I think it's about finding a balance. Working towards a goal and finding a balance to be successful.

Acceptance Doesn't Equal Defeat

     My entire life I have struggled with poor body image. Or at least the world has told me that I should be struggling. I fully understand the importance of being at a healthy body weight. I have gone to more than a few doctors appointments where I have had those exact aspects explained to me numerous times. Sometimes I left crying, sometimes I left feeling empowered to change. But what was it that I needed to change? My eating habits are not perfect. I don't know any ones that are. My exercise routines are less than faithful. I have a few friends with healthy BMI's that have had the same pair of tennis shoes since middle school. (And not for sentimental value. But because they simply aren't worn out.) There has to be something more to managing a healthy life style. I have searched for years for a secret recipe of these that would ultimately achieve a goal that the world constantly shoves down everyone's throat.

goal

  [gohl]  Show IPA

noun

1.

the result or achievement toward which effort is directed; aim; end.

2.

the terminal point in a race.

3.

a pole, line, or other marker by which such a point is indicated.

4.

an area, basket, cage, or other object or structure toward or into which players of various games attempt to throw, carry, kick, hit, or drive a ball, puck, etc., to score a point or points.

5.

the act of throwing, carrying, kicking, driving, etc., a ball or puck into such an area or object.

     A few years ago the solution to my problem hit me like a gallon of cookie n cream in the middle of a weight watchers meeting. I was searching for a goal, an ultimate answer, one solution. The truth of the matter is it's not about hitting a goal. In fact, it's not a goal at all. Goals in my vocabulary are attainable, one time achievements. Graduation with my master's was a goal. Learning how to juggle. Getting a promotion at work. These are all goals that are much like levels on a video game. I needed a thesaurus.

Synonyms 
1. target; purpose, object, objective, intent, intention. 2. finish.

     Maybe I didn't need a goal. Maybe I needed a purpose. 

     I have students who every year freak out about tests. They are wonderful students who for some reason, have a little test anxiety. I know a lot of people who can related to that feeling. They know the material astonishingly well when I call on them in class or help with assignments. When it is test time, and the stress is on, they forget everything they have practiced. They will have almost a perfect score on each daily assignment and pop quiz, but they will make almost a failing grade on the test. 

     I think I am like that in a variety of areas in my life. I feel like I know how to do the "right thing" and the "right way" to live just like my students know how to work out their math problems. But sometimes when the stress hits, I go into survival mode. And that's what trips me up. So how an I better manage this wonderful characteristic about myself? The first thing I need to do is to recognize the behaviors and accept that it's part of my personality and who I am to react initially in that way. Then I need to take a deep breath and examine what I do know. I need to have confidence in myself that I can handle situations as they are given to me. I need to have healthy daily habits set up that I can rely on. Just like students who are working a math problem. I need to approach life with a more logical approach and less emotional approach. 

     So what does that have to do with my healthy life style? I listened to a newscaster report a story on how getting at least 7-8 hours of sleep every night is as important to being healthy as smoking/drinking, poor eating habits, or not getting enough exercise. It's about viewing a life as a balance. Everything in moderation. A personality quirk about me is that when I love something, I go after it. It's pass or fail. Acceptable or rejected. Black or white. And if experience has taught me anything, it's that life isn't about opposites. It's about the journey. Experiences you have. People you meet. Choices you make. I need to accept that life is going to come at me. But it's only going to come at me one day at a time. I don't have to be perfect. But I do need to keep trying. 

     I have some weight loss goals. Numbers that when I hit on the scale I have set up as personal motivators. Last week I hit a big success number. You see on the scale _ _ 9. Such an amazing feeling. I have put a lot of emphasis on these values. I have done silly things like write the pounds on a piece of paper and shred them as I lose the weight. (It feels great to rip the paper by the way.) But I think a weight is just a by product. If I try to do my best to get enough sleep, to make healthy food choices, to drink plenty of water, to get my hour of exercise in each day, I will see my body being healthier. I get too caught up in numbers. 

     Accepting "flaws" of your personality is very difficult. Especially the ones that you try very hard to keep to yourself. I have it in my mind that by accepting things about yourself means that you give up trying to "fix" them or to say it more politically correct "grow as a person." I think I had a very mixed up mind set. I think those quirks are what makes life interesting. They are what makes me passionate about life. I don't want to "fix" away my personality. However, I do want to polish those a little. ;) 

    

Create in me a Clean Heart

During today's walk (I've been sick, so I won't call my stroll a workout) I couldn't get this song out of my head:

 Create in me a clean hear, Oh God

And renew a right spirit within me

Create in me a clean hear, oh God

And renew a right spirit within me.

Cast me not away from Thy presences, oh Lord

And take not Thy holy spirit from me

Restore unto me the joy of Thy salvation

And renew a right spirit within me

Create in me a clean heart, oh God

And renew a right spirit within me

Create in me a clean heart, oh God

And renew a right spirit within me.

Caste me not away from Thy presence, oh Lord

Take not Thy holy spirit from me

Restore unto me the joy of Thy salvation

And renew a right spirit within me.

Create in me a clean heart, oh God

And renew a right spirit within me

Create in me a clean heart, oh God

And renew a right spirit within me.

Caste me not away from Thy presence, oh Lord

Take not Thy holy spirit from me

Restore unto me the joy of Thy salvation

And renew a right spirit within me.

I know this sounds silly, and not at all scientific or medically sound. But I couldn't help but wonder if exercise is how God cleans our physical heart. My body, his temple, is in need of cleansing as much as my soul. maybe even more. I am not even close to perfect. Nor are my eating and work out habits. I need to pray more while I'm working out. I'm not sure why my workouts are a source of anxiety for me, but lately they have been. I think I need to be cleansed in a physical sense, all the toxins and bad things that are in my blood stream and body need out. I need to be cleansed.

I also spent some of my walk talking to a neighbor who was out walking her dog. She has two sons. I went to high school with her youngest and worked with her oldest. During casual conversation, she asked me what my plans were for the future. I didn't feel like I had a good answer for her. I want to move out on my own very soon. I will be financial able to very soon as well. So why am I having such a hard time making up my mind where my next step would be. I'm a very decisive person. In fact, in relationships, I have sometimes been critizied for being too decisive. Not hearing out all of the evidence. That sort of thing. I have looked at apartments, even logically made the best choice for style and money. I am just not at peace about it. I have prayed. People and experiences have told me that God gives you four different answers when you pray. Yes. No. Not yet. And I have something better in mind. I know it's D, but it's still a very weird thing just hanging loose.

Teaching the teacher

Wow! It has been a very long time since my last post. Life gets busy this time of year for me. Plus a few other things. I was reading today about Jesus and his life. The article I was reading prompted the reader to examine his or her career to see if we were getting caught up in a circus of a career or if we were working towards a bigger purpose. God's purpose. Sometimes I feel very entitled and lazy. But I don't feel that way often at work. The article reminded me that even though this time of year is stressful, that my students work very hard to prepare for state testing, that I work very hard planning lessons for them, but even through all of that hard work, test scores do not matter in the big picture. The lessons the kids are learning are important, but it's more important that I teach them that hard work is the way to success. That it doesn't matter what happened last year, that if they work hard, we can do better this year. The lessons of hard work aren't something that we apply to just today. It's something that we apply everyday. And that's what will pay off. The self discipline that I try to instill in my students is definitely something that I need to adapt to fit a few other areas of my life. I think the older that I get, the more lessons I need to learn.

Cooking like a cook...

The fear of The Lord is the beginning of knowledge, but fools despise wisdom and discipline. Proverbs 1:7

Yep, it's almost like God said, "Hey you! This is a big deal! Pay attention!" It's so neat to read the bible and have God speak directly to you. Earlier today I was reading Ecclesiastes. It was about how there is no new thought that we have that men haven't had before. Yes, iPhones are new. But the concept of socialization is not. Technology just builds upon itself. It made me think about my problems. They aren't unusual or new to God. I'm not the first person who loves ice cream more than jogging. I'm not the first person to struggle with finding a relationship. I am not unique in an worldly sense. But I am unique to God. It's was a very humbling thought for me. It was also a very empowering thought. That's how big my God is. He knows each of us. He wants a relationship with each of us. He is patient with me. He never fails me.

I started this post tonight to talk about how I want to learn how to cook. I know how to heat up food to proper guidelines. I know how to not starve. Sometimes I even get complements on what I make. But I want to learn the art of cooking. I have fully mastered the art of eating... Makes sense. But instead of talking about me and my library books, I read that. So to whom ever reads this... I guess God needed to tell you that. Have a good night. :-)

Day... oops! Forgot to work out!

Today most of my work out consisted of running back to the kitchen. Most of it was for water, but I did eat chips. Tomorrow is another day, and I will do better tomorrow.

I read a few chapters in my book. The first one is about dreams. It describes how God has dreams for us, but we don't always allow him to fulfill them. We might be scared, lazy, or ignorant. We might have low self esteem and subconciously believe that we are not worthy of God's love and that blessings that he gives us. I think I fall into the last category. I think there is a fine line between being a humble servant and believing that we are not worthy. At least there is in my mind.

The chapter also prompted me to think about my dreams. I have some career and personal goals that I would love to accomplish, but right now I have been doing a lot of soul-searching and personal building. I want to focus on that aspect. So I decided that I want to list some dreams of mine. Some goals.
 1. I want to be someone who works out 4-5 times a week. This might not seem like a big deal to some people. This might not seem like a challenge in five years for me. However, right now that is a huge deal. I might think about working out 4 or 5 times a week, but until about a week ago, it definitely wasn't happening. I want to be someone who is healthy. I will never be someone who isn't curvy, but I am working on healthy. Healthy habits physically is the only way I can get there.
2. I want to build stronger friendships. I have a lot of amazing people in my life. I want to keep it that way.
3. I want to be more organized. I could go into a lot of details. But that would be super boring.

In the book, they list all these empowering scriptures that remind us to rely on God's strength, not our own to achieve these goals. I think that is the only way I will be able to meet my goals.

The next chapter is about emerging yourself in the word. Reading the words God has put together for each of us. It's our blueprint of understanding how to accomplish these things. The book continues to talk about how you much become sure in yourself. You have to accept who you are and know that God love you the way he made you. He made you this way for a reason, and that's the only way to truly be happy with yourself. I can change habits, but I am still always going to be the same person if I am true to myself. There is a lot more to be said about that. It's late, so I just take it at surface value.

Even if I didn't get a physical work out in tonight, I think I got an emotional one in. Why does that make you more tired?

Day Negative Nine....

I have never been this out of shape in my life. When I was in growing up and in school, I played sports. Between seasons, I wouldn't stay in shape. I could drink pop, sleep in, and not worry about what I ate. I knew paying for it would be hell that first week back, but I didn't care. My lungs would burn. My sides would ache. Once my legs shook so bad that I wasn't sure I could make it to a bench to sit down. Those are fond memories. I worked out four times this week. (Why does that not sound as impressive as it feels??)  I also prayed to God that same amount of times that I would make it through. I didn't know my body could get this out of shape. This is insane! And I think my adolescent self would be shocked. But it's those bad habits that got me here.

But enough about me and my burning lungs...

I started a bible study book by Erin Keeley Marshall called "Navigating Route 20-Something." It's about life lessons you learn through your twenties. No, I'm not in denial about my real age, it's just an awesome book so far. I wish I would have read it sooner. I was/am pretty thick headed about things. I might not have got it then. My sassy side might have bragged that I already knew everything that book had to offer and I could have done a better job writing it. Who knows.

It's written from the point of view of someone who looked around one day and said "wow, this isn't where I thought I would be when I was this age." I can kinda relate. Just a little.

Apparently....Your twenties are when you develop habits that carry with you through out your life. You are making those fancy major life decisions that put you on the paths that you will follow for decades. Or so I thought. Life should be about following God's path for you. If you are following him, then no time is wasted. You aren't behind. Sometimes we can go on side paths or stray, but he still uses that for his glory.

I wonder what God thought about me making plans without asking him. Because at the time, I feel like I did. But really I did it because I expected a certain result. He never promised me that everything would happen in the time I wanted, or even felt like I needed it to. But I do feel like he put me on those paths for a reason. We learn to grow into those roles that we have set for ourselves. Play like we are playing grown-ups. Then one day you look around and realize you don't have to play. You just are. You work like crazy, then one day look around and realize there are goals or ideas that you had for your future that just aren't there. I never had focused on my personal life until recently. I tried to be a good friend. I tried to date. But I was more focused on getting through school and then getting a grasp on my career. I had no idea how to be a grown up, but I was really good at studying and going to work. Then one day, I just looked around. I can't even say I remember when specifically I noticed. One day, I just started feeling like I was alone in life. "Everyone else" was getting married, having babies, and managing careers. It was all I could do to pour myself into making it at work. I had no balance. Nor did I know where to begin. Maybe I was scared before. Maybe I just didn't care before. But suddenly, I felt very left behind. Very alone.

The first chapter in the book talks about those wilderness times in life. When God leads people into the wilderness to teach them how to be the incredible person they are meant to be. Moses. David. Incredible people like that. And although I would be crazy to compare myself to those people, I do know God loves me just as much as he loves them. And I might not be parting the Red Sea or becoming King of Israel or anything important like that, but he probably has a cool life plan picked out for me. (My wilderness even has bathrooms and central heating and air, so I figure it's a much better deal.)

It's those times in our life when God really gets a hold of us. It's those times where we fall in love with God. He plucks out those patches of weeds like bitterness and bad habits. He prunes us. And I needed a lot of pruning lately. He does this all in ways that are very effective. He knew exactly what would be effective with me. I can wander around the wilderness mad about being lost on my path asking "are we there yet?" Or I can get close to God and get prepared for greatness.

So I'm not just working out to look better in my jeans and get rid of that muffin top... I'm training for God's greatness.